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Monday, October 8, 2012
"Creating a Healing Home", Support group meeting Oct 11 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
What can the church can do for adoptees?
Summary of what Sherrie Elridge suggests:
1. Form all adoptee small groups that meet regulary. All ages. Child adoptees should have an adoptee parernt with them.
2. Try to understand the heart and love language of adoptees. All adoptees have the same love language, and it is different from non-adoptees.
3. Speak the truth to adoptees about them being adopted and about their birth family. Do not hide nor sugar-coat these facts or you are minimizing a major part of an adoptee's life.
4. Expect an adoptee to reject others because they expect to be rejected themselves.
5. Expect adoptees to smile and be quite, when they are wearing a mask and hurting and raging inside.
6. Expect adoptees to be angry, and to periodically act out that anger.
7. Expect adoptees to shut down at parties and other busy and stimulating environments, and they feel they do not belong.
8. Expect adoptees to resist changes.
9. Expect adoptees to resist love, consistancy, and kindness - because they do not think they deserve this - but this is what they need.
10. Know that adopotees are using almost all their stength to remain calm in public, so do not expect much else from them, and know that they explode emotionally in the car on the way home. And sometimes they expode emotionally in your presence, which will disconcern you to see the quitest child in your class become the loudest and most out control child, in an instant.
11. Expect the adoptee to not respond when you show them love, but know that they feel your love and love you in their heart, but they cannot bring themself to respond.
1. Form all adoptee small groups that meet regulary. All ages. Child adoptees should have an adoptee parernt with them.
2. Try to understand the heart and love language of adoptees. All adoptees have the same love language, and it is different from non-adoptees.
3. Speak the truth to adoptees about them being adopted and about their birth family. Do not hide nor sugar-coat these facts or you are minimizing a major part of an adoptee's life.
4. Expect an adoptee to reject others because they expect to be rejected themselves.
5. Expect adoptees to smile and be quite, when they are wearing a mask and hurting and raging inside.
6. Expect adoptees to be angry, and to periodically act out that anger.
7. Expect adoptees to shut down at parties and other busy and stimulating environments, and they feel they do not belong.
8. Expect adoptees to resist changes.
9. Expect adoptees to resist love, consistancy, and kindness - because they do not think they deserve this - but this is what they need.
10. Know that adopotees are using almost all their stength to remain calm in public, so do not expect much else from them, and know that they explode emotionally in the car on the way home. And sometimes they expode emotionally in your presence, which will disconcern you to see the quitest child in your class become the loudest and most out control child, in an instant.
11. Expect the adoptee to not respond when you show them love, but know that they feel your love and love you in their heart, but they cannot bring themself to respond.
Giving voice to an adoptee who won't speak
http://sherrieeldridge.blogspot.com
Aim at taking away the personal pronoun "you" in your explanation statement. You'll have to come up with your own version, but the way I would say it is: "Your birth mother/father weren't able to parent ANY baby/child at that time."
More than anything, you want your adopted child to feel like he belongs in the family. However, your child may find holidays and family gatherings difficult. If he is a teen or adult, he may prefer to be alone than to be with the family. If she is a school-aged child, she may have melt-downs for no reason apparent to you.
Why do many adoptees find family gatherings difficult? Because we feel like we don't belong. We feel different.
When I communicate this point about the heart language to parents, some of them become livid! Do you feel that way?
You may be thinking, "Can't I ever tell my child she's special?"
Yes, you can. I'll give suggestions at the end of the week, but first, here's how your adopted child might interpret "You are special."
Your child may think, "Its not okay to be me. I'll have to try really hard so that I can be special."
Here's what adoptees really need to hear: "We love you and always will....just as you are."
It's all about grace!
This reminds me of a story about someone going to church for the first time. The person thinks he needs to get all spiffed up and cleaned up before going to church.
The same applies in coming into God's family--no cleaning up required, nor wanted. Just a contrite heart that is willing to receiving grace from God.
SILENCE! Dead silence from the adoptive parents about the adoptee's birth parents.
Maybe there is negative birth history involved or maybe the parents are unknown, as in many international adoptions?
Anyway, parents often feel nervous and just don't say anything.
How do many adoptees translate silence? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as we begin yet another week of wonderful discussions and learning.
If you are an adoptee, how does silence about your beginnings translate to your heart? If you are a parent, do you feel uncomfortable with the subject of birth parents and thus say nothing? Perhaps you don't know when or how to talk to your child about adoption and so you just don't talk? If this is the case, let me assure you that it's never too late!
Ever heard the saying "The air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife?" What an apt description of the atmosphere of silence. Silence about our birth families communicates to us that something is wrong. I find myself, even as an adult, still wondering about my beginnings. Was your child dropped off on an orphanage step? That may seem cruel but actually it is loving, for otherwise the child likely would die. It is an act of love by the Chinese birth mother. Or, was your child placed in foster care because Dad or Mom were in jail or crack addicts?
You don't want your child to hurt any more than she/he has. Am I not right?
But not talking hurts.
When most adoptees hear the
words, "We love you just like our own," we're hurt, then angry. We
perceive your words as a put-down and that somehow being different is a bad,
shameful thing. You can help turn your child's perception from yucky
differences, to celebrating differences.
How?
Suggestion: "We love all the differences in our family."
Notice the one important word? Our, not your.
The Mom said that her
children have never responded to her lavish love, despite the depth of
investment made in their lives. She felt hopeless, fearing that she might never
hear the words, “I love you” from her children.
For Mom, it is like
peering into a huge, dark crevice of a mountain, straining to see something. “I can’t see anything but darkness. My children cannot see my love.”
The child says in her
heart, “In the deepest crevice of my heart, I love you. You may never
see that love manifested, but it’s there. I am either too wounded or rebellious
to tell you.”
Now Mom, imagine yourself peering into the
mountain’s crevice. Inside is your sweet spot. The message of your sweet spot
is that your child loves you. This is the place from which you must parent.
This is your place of strength. I plead with you to never entertain thoughts
that your children don’t love you. Rather, focus on the truth that their love
may be deeply buried, but will someday surface.
"I am happy to know why I was adopted.
It helps me learn to trust." |
Aim at taking away the personal pronoun "you" in your explanation statement. You'll have to come up with your own version, but the way I would say it is: "Your birth mother/father weren't able to parent ANY baby/child at that time."
More than anything, you want your adopted child to feel like he belongs in the family. However, your child may find holidays and family gatherings difficult. If he is a teen or adult, he may prefer to be alone than to be with the family. If she is a school-aged child, she may have melt-downs for no reason apparent to you.
Why do many adoptees find family gatherings difficult? Because we feel like we don't belong. We feel different.
When most adoptees hear the words, "We love you just like our own,"
we're hurt, then angry. We perceive your words as a put-down and that somehow
being different is a bad, shameful thing. You can help turn your child's
perception from yucky differences, to celebrating differences.
How? Suggestion: "We love all the differences in our family."
How? Suggestion: "We love all the differences in our family."
Adoptee Heart Language:
"Being Called 'Special' Makes Me Feel Funny Inside"
| "I feel funny inside when Mom and Dad call me 'special.'" |
The next good intention that can get lost in translation by the
adoptee heart is: "You are special." The intention is to help create
self-esteem in the adoptee.
But does it do what the words were intended?
Does it increase self-esteem, or is it perceived by the adoptee as subtle pressure?
Remember, this is an emotional topic and there are still many layers to the meaning of this statement.
But does it do what the words were intended?
Does it increase self-esteem, or is it perceived by the adoptee as subtle pressure?
Remember, this is an emotional topic and there are still many layers to the meaning of this statement.
| "I'll have to try hard and do good so they like me." |
When I communicate this point about the heart language to parents, some of them become livid! Do you feel that way?
You may be thinking, "Can't I ever tell my child she's special?"
Yes, you can. I'll give suggestions at the end of the week, but first, here's how your adopted child might interpret "You are special."
Your child may think, "Its not okay to be me. I'll have to try really hard so that I can be special."
Here's what adoptees really need to hear: "We love you and always will....just as you are."
It's all about grace!
This reminds me of a story about someone going to church for the first time. The person thinks he needs to get all spiffed up and cleaned up before going to church.
The same applies in coming into God's family--no cleaning up required, nor wanted. Just a contrite heart that is willing to receiving grace from God.
"I wonder why you don't talk
about my birth parents." |
SILENCE! Dead silence from the adoptive parents about the adoptee's birth parents.
Maybe there is negative birth history involved or maybe the parents are unknown, as in many international adoptions?
Anyway, parents often feel nervous and just don't say anything.
How do many adoptees translate silence? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as we begin yet another week of wonderful discussions and learning.
If you are an adoptee, how does silence about your beginnings translate to your heart? If you are a parent, do you feel uncomfortable with the subject of birth parents and thus say nothing? Perhaps you don't know when or how to talk to your child about adoption and so you just don't talk? If this is the case, let me assure you that it's never too late!
Ever heard the saying "The air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife?" What an apt description of the atmosphere of silence. Silence about our birth families communicates to us that something is wrong. I find myself, even as an adult, still wondering about my beginnings. Was your child dropped off on an orphanage step? That may seem cruel but actually it is loving, for otherwise the child likely would die. It is an act of love by the Chinese birth mother. Or, was your child placed in foster care because Dad or Mom were in jail or crack addicts?
You don't want your child to hurt any more than she/he has. Am I not right?
But not talking hurts.
How does, "Well, we're all
adopted in God's family" translate to adoptee/orphan/foster children,
teen, and adult hearts?
True, all those who have placed their faith in Jesus' finished work on the Cross are adopted by Him into the family of God.
True, all those who have placed their faith in Jesus' finished work on the Cross are adopted by Him into the family of God.
However, equating human and spiritual adoption discounts the suffering the
adoptee has endured in losing his first family. Those words minimize our pain
and it says to us that losing our first family doesn't matter. Believe me, it
does matter.
If we phrase it another way, perhaps we could say, "Oh, I was and orphan, too." I can see the hurt on the faces of orphans who have perhaps aged out of the system or shared their crib with four other babies.
Really? You really were adopted? At what age? You really were and orphan? Where was the orphanage you lived for before adoption?
Or, how about "Oh, I was a foster child, too."
Really? How many placements did you have to endure before you were adopted?
Can you hear my anger?
Here's a suggestion about what to say instead: "I'd like to understand what it feels like to have been adopted, orphaned, or placed in foster care."
If we phrase it another way, perhaps we could say, "Oh, I was and orphan, too." I can see the hurt on the faces of orphans who have perhaps aged out of the system or shared their crib with four other babies.
Really? You really were adopted? At what age? You really were and orphan? Where was the orphanage you lived for before adoption?
Or, how about "Oh, I was a foster child, too."
Really? How many placements did you have to endure before you were adopted?
Can you hear my anger?
Here's a suggestion about what to say instead: "I'd like to understand what it feels like to have been adopted, orphaned, or placed in foster care."
Within the heart of every adopted child, teen, or adult is this
question to our adoptive parents: "What do you think about my birth
parents?"
Of course, we would never tell our parents. We are fiercely loyal.
What are we really saying?
"Do you love ALL of me? Do you love the parts of me that my birth parents gave to me?"
Giving honor to the birth parents is the key that unlocks unconditional love for the adopted child.
You might be saying, "You don't know my child's birth parents. They're addicts. How and why would I ever say good things about them?"
Of course, we would never tell our parents. We are fiercely loyal.
What are we really saying?
"Do you love ALL of me? Do you love the parts of me that my birth parents gave to me?"
Giving honor to the birth parents is the key that unlocks unconditional love for the adopted child.
You might be saying, "You don't know my child's birth parents. They're addicts. How and why would I ever say good things about them?"
How?
Suggestion: "We love all the differences in our family."
Notice the one important word? Our, not your.
Benefits of being with other adoptees
“I’ve never seen that
expression on my daughter’s face. Look at her! Her face is absolutely glowing! Thank you for the gift of fellow adoptee
friendships.”
Here are the blessings of fellow-adoptee friendships:
- We Are Like Family. Linda says that knowing adoptees has created a
wonderful bond because there is a kind of “sisterhood” and “brotherhood”
amongst us.
- We Are Drawn to One Another. Gary said that his young daughter seemed to gravitate
to other adoptees in her preschool class. Of course she didn’t know they
were adoptees, but there was that pull.
- We Have a Unique Emotional Language. Adoptees can “read” each other from just a few words or
their body language, which she says makes adoptees feel like they belong
to each other.
- We are like Triple-Chocolate Cake. I never had an adoptee friend until I was forty-five.
Her name is Jody Moreen. We spent hours in our favorite little tea room
sipping spiced tea and “talking adoption.” Life doesn’t get much better
than that!
Hiding behind a mask
|
"I may appear strong on the outside,
but I'm a terrified kid on the inside." |
We adoptees have had to be strong from day one in order to survive the great loss of our first family. We may present ourselves to you and the world as strong, confident, self-assured. Underneath is the wounded, voiceless child.
The best thing anyone
who loves an adoptee can do for an adoptee who appears strong is to ask God to
show whether the adoptee's strength is coming from health or hurt. Here are
some tips to help discern the difference between health or hurt:
- Wants to always be in control of situations
- Rootlessness -- wanders from job to job, spouse to
spouse
- Perfectionism
- An "I-have-it-all-together" attitude
- Fear of intimacy
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