Summary of what Sherrie Elridge suggests:
1. Form all adoptee small groups that meet regulary. All ages. Child
adoptees should have an adoptee parernt with them.
2. Try to understand the heart and love language of adoptees. All adoptees
have the same love language, and it is different from non-adoptees.
3. Speak the truth to adoptees about them being adopted and about their
birth family. Do not hide nor sugar-coat these facts or you are minimizing a
major part of an adoptee's life.
4. Expect an adoptee to reject others because they expect to be rejected
themselves.
5. Expect adoptees to smile and be quite, when they are wearing a mask and
hurting and raging inside.
6. Expect adoptees to be angry, and to periodically act out that anger.
7. Expect adoptees to shut down at parties and other busy and stimulating
environments, and they feel they do not belong.
8. Expect adoptees to resist changes.
9. Expect adoptees to resist love, consistancy, and kindness - because they
do not think they deserve this - but this is what they need.
10. Know that adopotees are using almost all their stength to remain calm in
public, so do not expect much else from them, and know that they explode
emotionally in the car on the way home. And sometimes they expode emotionally
in your presence, which will disconcern you to see the quitest child in your
class become the loudest and most out control child, in an instant.
11. Expect the adoptee to not respond when you show them love, but know that
they feel your love and love you in their heart, but they cannot bring themself
to respond.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Giving voice to an adoptee who won't speak
http://sherrieeldridge.blogspot.com
Aim at taking away the personal pronoun "you" in your explanation statement. You'll have to come up with your own version, but the way I would say it is: "Your birth mother/father weren't able to parent ANY baby/child at that time."
More than anything, you want your adopted child to feel like he belongs in the family. However, your child may find holidays and family gatherings difficult. If he is a teen or adult, he may prefer to be alone than to be with the family. If she is a school-aged child, she may have melt-downs for no reason apparent to you.
Why do many adoptees find family gatherings difficult? Because we feel like we don't belong. We feel different.
When I communicate this point about the heart language to parents, some of them become livid! Do you feel that way?
You may be thinking, "Can't I ever tell my child she's special?"
Yes, you can. I'll give suggestions at the end of the week, but first, here's how your adopted child might interpret "You are special."
Your child may think, "Its not okay to be me. I'll have to try really hard so that I can be special."
Here's what adoptees really need to hear: "We love you and always will....just as you are."
It's all about grace!
This reminds me of a story about someone going to church for the first time. The person thinks he needs to get all spiffed up and cleaned up before going to church.
The same applies in coming into God's family--no cleaning up required, nor wanted. Just a contrite heart that is willing to receiving grace from God.
SILENCE! Dead silence from the adoptive parents about the adoptee's birth parents.
Maybe there is negative birth history involved or maybe the parents are unknown, as in many international adoptions?
Anyway, parents often feel nervous and just don't say anything.
How do many adoptees translate silence? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as we begin yet another week of wonderful discussions and learning.
If you are an adoptee, how does silence about your beginnings translate to your heart? If you are a parent, do you feel uncomfortable with the subject of birth parents and thus say nothing? Perhaps you don't know when or how to talk to your child about adoption and so you just don't talk? If this is the case, let me assure you that it's never too late!
Ever heard the saying "The air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife?" What an apt description of the atmosphere of silence. Silence about our birth families communicates to us that something is wrong. I find myself, even as an adult, still wondering about my beginnings. Was your child dropped off on an orphanage step? That may seem cruel but actually it is loving, for otherwise the child likely would die. It is an act of love by the Chinese birth mother. Or, was your child placed in foster care because Dad or Mom were in jail or crack addicts?
You don't want your child to hurt any more than she/he has. Am I not right?
But not talking hurts.
When most adoptees hear the
words, "We love you just like our own," we're hurt, then angry. We
perceive your words as a put-down and that somehow being different is a bad,
shameful thing. You can help turn your child's perception from yucky
differences, to celebrating differences.
How?
Suggestion: "We love all the differences in our family."
Notice the one important word? Our, not your.
The Mom said that her
children have never responded to her lavish love, despite the depth of
investment made in their lives. She felt hopeless, fearing that she might never
hear the words, “I love you” from her children.
For Mom, it is like
peering into a huge, dark crevice of a mountain, straining to see something. “I can’t see anything but darkness. My children cannot see my love.”
The child says in her
heart, “In the deepest crevice of my heart, I love you. You may never
see that love manifested, but it’s there. I am either too wounded or rebellious
to tell you.”
Now Mom, imagine yourself peering into the
mountain’s crevice. Inside is your sweet spot. The message of your sweet spot
is that your child loves you. This is the place from which you must parent.
This is your place of strength. I plead with you to never entertain thoughts
that your children don’t love you. Rather, focus on the truth that their love
may be deeply buried, but will someday surface.
"I am happy to know why I was adopted.
It helps me learn to trust." |
Aim at taking away the personal pronoun "you" in your explanation statement. You'll have to come up with your own version, but the way I would say it is: "Your birth mother/father weren't able to parent ANY baby/child at that time."
More than anything, you want your adopted child to feel like he belongs in the family. However, your child may find holidays and family gatherings difficult. If he is a teen or adult, he may prefer to be alone than to be with the family. If she is a school-aged child, she may have melt-downs for no reason apparent to you.
Why do many adoptees find family gatherings difficult? Because we feel like we don't belong. We feel different.
When most adoptees hear the words, "We love you just like our own,"
we're hurt, then angry. We perceive your words as a put-down and that somehow
being different is a bad, shameful thing. You can help turn your child's
perception from yucky differences, to celebrating differences.
How? Suggestion: "We love all the differences in our family."
How? Suggestion: "We love all the differences in our family."
Adoptee Heart Language:
"Being Called 'Special' Makes Me Feel Funny Inside"
| "I feel funny inside when Mom and Dad call me 'special.'" |
The next good intention that can get lost in translation by the
adoptee heart is: "You are special." The intention is to help create
self-esteem in the adoptee.
But does it do what the words were intended?
Does it increase self-esteem, or is it perceived by the adoptee as subtle pressure?
Remember, this is an emotional topic and there are still many layers to the meaning of this statement.
But does it do what the words were intended?
Does it increase self-esteem, or is it perceived by the adoptee as subtle pressure?
Remember, this is an emotional topic and there are still many layers to the meaning of this statement.
| "I'll have to try hard and do good so they like me." |
When I communicate this point about the heart language to parents, some of them become livid! Do you feel that way?
You may be thinking, "Can't I ever tell my child she's special?"
Yes, you can. I'll give suggestions at the end of the week, but first, here's how your adopted child might interpret "You are special."
Your child may think, "Its not okay to be me. I'll have to try really hard so that I can be special."
Here's what adoptees really need to hear: "We love you and always will....just as you are."
It's all about grace!
This reminds me of a story about someone going to church for the first time. The person thinks he needs to get all spiffed up and cleaned up before going to church.
The same applies in coming into God's family--no cleaning up required, nor wanted. Just a contrite heart that is willing to receiving grace from God.
"I wonder why you don't talk
about my birth parents." |
SILENCE! Dead silence from the adoptive parents about the adoptee's birth parents.
Maybe there is negative birth history involved or maybe the parents are unknown, as in many international adoptions?
Anyway, parents often feel nervous and just don't say anything.
How do many adoptees translate silence? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as we begin yet another week of wonderful discussions and learning.
If you are an adoptee, how does silence about your beginnings translate to your heart? If you are a parent, do you feel uncomfortable with the subject of birth parents and thus say nothing? Perhaps you don't know when or how to talk to your child about adoption and so you just don't talk? If this is the case, let me assure you that it's never too late!
Ever heard the saying "The air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife?" What an apt description of the atmosphere of silence. Silence about our birth families communicates to us that something is wrong. I find myself, even as an adult, still wondering about my beginnings. Was your child dropped off on an orphanage step? That may seem cruel but actually it is loving, for otherwise the child likely would die. It is an act of love by the Chinese birth mother. Or, was your child placed in foster care because Dad or Mom were in jail or crack addicts?
You don't want your child to hurt any more than she/he has. Am I not right?
But not talking hurts.
How does, "Well, we're all
adopted in God's family" translate to adoptee/orphan/foster children,
teen, and adult hearts?
True, all those who have placed their faith in Jesus' finished work on the Cross are adopted by Him into the family of God.
True, all those who have placed their faith in Jesus' finished work on the Cross are adopted by Him into the family of God.
However, equating human and spiritual adoption discounts the suffering the
adoptee has endured in losing his first family. Those words minimize our pain
and it says to us that losing our first family doesn't matter. Believe me, it
does matter.
If we phrase it another way, perhaps we could say, "Oh, I was and orphan, too." I can see the hurt on the faces of orphans who have perhaps aged out of the system or shared their crib with four other babies.
Really? You really were adopted? At what age? You really were and orphan? Where was the orphanage you lived for before adoption?
Or, how about "Oh, I was a foster child, too."
Really? How many placements did you have to endure before you were adopted?
Can you hear my anger?
Here's a suggestion about what to say instead: "I'd like to understand what it feels like to have been adopted, orphaned, or placed in foster care."
If we phrase it another way, perhaps we could say, "Oh, I was and orphan, too." I can see the hurt on the faces of orphans who have perhaps aged out of the system or shared their crib with four other babies.
Really? You really were adopted? At what age? You really were and orphan? Where was the orphanage you lived for before adoption?
Or, how about "Oh, I was a foster child, too."
Really? How many placements did you have to endure before you were adopted?
Can you hear my anger?
Here's a suggestion about what to say instead: "I'd like to understand what it feels like to have been adopted, orphaned, or placed in foster care."
Within the heart of every adopted child, teen, or adult is this
question to our adoptive parents: "What do you think about my birth
parents?"
Of course, we would never tell our parents. We are fiercely loyal.
What are we really saying?
"Do you love ALL of me? Do you love the parts of me that my birth parents gave to me?"
Giving honor to the birth parents is the key that unlocks unconditional love for the adopted child.
You might be saying, "You don't know my child's birth parents. They're addicts. How and why would I ever say good things about them?"
Of course, we would never tell our parents. We are fiercely loyal.
What are we really saying?
"Do you love ALL of me? Do you love the parts of me that my birth parents gave to me?"
Giving honor to the birth parents is the key that unlocks unconditional love for the adopted child.
You might be saying, "You don't know my child's birth parents. They're addicts. How and why would I ever say good things about them?"
How?
Suggestion: "We love all the differences in our family."
Notice the one important word? Our, not your.
Benefits of being with other adoptees
“I’ve never seen that
expression on my daughter’s face. Look at her! Her face is absolutely glowing! Thank you for the gift of fellow adoptee
friendships.”
Here are the blessings of fellow-adoptee friendships:
- We Are Like Family. Linda says that knowing adoptees has created a
wonderful bond because there is a kind of “sisterhood” and “brotherhood”
amongst us.
- We Are Drawn to One Another. Gary said that his young daughter seemed to gravitate
to other adoptees in her preschool class. Of course she didn’t know they
were adoptees, but there was that pull.
- We Have a Unique Emotional Language. Adoptees can “read” each other from just a few words or
their body language, which she says makes adoptees feel like they belong
to each other.
- We are like Triple-Chocolate Cake. I never had an adoptee friend until I was forty-five.
Her name is Jody Moreen. We spent hours in our favorite little tea room
sipping spiced tea and “talking adoption.” Life doesn’t get much better
than that!
Hiding behind a mask
|
"I may appear strong on the outside,
but I'm a terrified kid on the inside." |
We adoptees have had to be strong from day one in order to survive the great loss of our first family. We may present ourselves to you and the world as strong, confident, self-assured. Underneath is the wounded, voiceless child.
The best thing anyone
who loves an adoptee can do for an adoptee who appears strong is to ask God to
show whether the adoptee's strength is coming from health or hurt. Here are
some tips to help discern the difference between health or hurt:
- Wants to always be in control of situations
- Rootlessness -- wanders from job to job, spouse to
spouse
- Perfectionism
- An "I-have-it-all-together" attitude
- Fear of intimacy
Grown up issues from being adopted
http://sherrieeldridge.blogspot.com
"I never dreamed that my present-day relationship problems had anything to do with my adoption!"
Common struggles are:
"I never dreamed that my present-day relationship problems had anything to do with my adoption!"
Common struggles are:
- Out-of-control anger issues
- Intimacy issues....don't get too close to me
- Fear of abandonment
- Rejecting others before they can reject us
- Isolating...not telling anyone we were adopted
- Depression.....so sad, but don't know why
Adoption truths from the Bible
Speak these words to your adopted child - for healing
1. God's heart was the place of our conceptions. Our lives began, not at conception, not at birth, not on adoption day, but in eternity past-in the very heart of God Himself. He is our Creator!
Jeremiah 1:5: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" Ephesians 1:4-6: "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, according to His pleasure and will-to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves."
2. God is the only One who gives life-not birth mothers, as many believe. Birth mothers give the gift of birth and we are very thankful for their gift, but God receives the glory for all life. He is Life!
John 1:3-4: "Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made. In Him was life, and that life was the light of men."
Psalm 139:13: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
Esther 9:6b: "You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship You."
3. God originated adoption, but human adoption and spiritual adoption are not the same. He wants to adopt us!
Ephesians 1: 4-5: "In love He predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus Christ."
4. God says we are all orphans because of our sin (not loving God with our whole heart and soul, every minute of every day). We will be orphans for eternity without Him!
Isaiah 59:2: "But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear."
I John 1:10: "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us."
5. God provided a Way when there was no way for us to enter His family. He sent Jesus to pay the penalty for our sin by His death!
John 3: 16: "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
6. God requires personal trust in Christ's finished work on the cross to enter His family. He invites us!
Romans 10: 9-11: " if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says, 'Everyone who trusts in Him will never be put to shame."
7. God knocks on human hearts, wanting to adopt us. He has a divine appointment with you.It is not by chance that you are reading this!
Revelation 3:20: "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."
If God is knocking on your heart's door, you can pray this simple prayer: "Jesus, I realize that my sin has separated me from You and that I will be an orphan for eternity without You. Thank You that for paying the price for my sin when You shed your blood and died on the cross for me. It's hard to believe that if I were the only person in the world, You would have come for me, but I take Your great love by faith. Please cleanse me from sin and fill me with your Holy Spirit. I take Your gift of my adoption into your forever family by faith. In Jesus' Name, Amen!"
8. God validates the emotional realities of abandonment.He doesn't tell us to bite the bullet and go on as if nothing happened. He is compassionate!
Ezekiel 16: 4-7: "On the day you were born, you were dumped out into a field and left to die, unwanted."
9. God comes to us in our abandonment.He is our Helper!
Ezekiel 16: 4-7: "But I came by and saw you lying there, covered with your own blood."
10. God calls us to Life and declares His opinion of us. He values us!
Ezekiel 16: 7 " ...and I said, 'Live! Thrive, like a plant in the field!' And you did! You grew up and became... a jewel among jewels."
11. God planned who our biological and adoptive parents would be.He is Lord!
Psalm 139:16: "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
12. God's love is deeper than any life rejection.He engraved our names on His hands!
Isaiah 49: 15-16: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will never forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
13. God experienced rejection.He will walk with us if we are rejected!
John 1:11: "He came to that which was His own, but His own did not receive Him."
14. God holds unanswered adoption questions in His loving hands.He is trust worthy!
Deuteronomy 29:29: "The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law."
15. God offers adoptees an awesome legacy.He wants to be our Father!
Psalm 68:5: "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling."
16. God promises to hear even the faintest cry of the orphan. He is sensitive!
Exodus 22:22-24: "Do not take advantage of a widow or orphan. If you do, and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry."
17. God preserves the orphan's life.He is our Protector!
Jeremiah 49:11: "Leave your orphans; I will protect their lives."
18. God has a unique plan for the orphan in human history.He is Sovereign!
Esther 2:15: "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
19. God thinks highly of those who help orphans.He considers it worship!
James 1:27: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
20. God gladdens the orphan's heart with the bounty of Providence. He is our Provider!
Deuteronomy 24: 17a, 19: "Do not deprive the alien or the fatherless of justice..."When you are harvesting in your field and you overlook a sheaf, do not go back to get it. Leave it for the alien, the fatherless and the widow, so that the Lord may bless you in all the work of your hands."
21. God opposes unjust laws concerning the fatherless. He is our Advocate!
Isaiah 10:1-2: "Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and rob my oppressed people of justice, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless."
22. God cares tenderly for birth mothers.He is close to the broken hearted!
Genesis 21: 16b-19: "And as she (Hagar) sat there nearby, she began to sob. God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, 'What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.' Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water."
23. God wants us to offer our broken lives to Him. He sings over us when we do!
II Chronicles 29:29: "And when the burnt offering began, the song of the Lord began also, with trumpets, and with the instruments ordained by King David of Israel."
24. God told Abraham to let go of contentious birth relatives. He wants us to press on!
Genesis 21:11: "The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. But God said, 'Do not be so distressed about the boy and your maidservant. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that that your offspring will be reckoned. I will make the son of the maid servant into a nation also, because he is your offspring."
The Unseen Emotional Anatomy of An Adoptee
|
"I wish I could see inside my daughter's heart to know
what she's thinking and feeling." |
MRI of an Adoptee
- COUNTENANCE: flat affect, no expression (“I am numb
inside from trying to survive.”)
- MIND: interprets life through a lens of rejection (“She
didn’t call me back. She doesn’t like me. She’s rejecting me.”)
- EMOTIONS: traumatized by severing from birth mother and
anxious about future loss, hyper-vigilant (“I’m always anxious, but don’t
know why.”)
- EYES: avoids eye contact with others (“I can stay in
control if I don’t look at them.”)
- EARS: deaf to the loving comments of others (“I don’t
know how love feels.”)
- MOUTH: spews misplaced angry words (“I hate you, mom!”)
- SPIRIT: fears being forgotten by God (“Will God forget
me, like my birth mother?”)
- STOMACH: eating issues (“I can stay in control of what
seems uncontrollable, if I don’t eat”).
- SHOULDERS: stooped over (“I am a victim. My life is a
mistake.”)
- LIPS: smiling (“I’d better be on my best behavior so I
don’t get rejected again.”}
- HANDS: shoplifting (“I can make up for what I lost.”)
- BODY TEMPERATURE: high on birthdays (“I am perfectly
healthy but on my birthday, I have a 102 degree fever.”)
- BODY: tense (“Don’t touch me!”)
- SKIN: bruised (“Racism is so hard to deal with.”)
- FEET: calloused (“I feel like running away whenever I
get upset.”)
Monday, April 16, 2012
This Thursday - What Adoptees Wish Church Communities Knew
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