http://sherrieeldridge.blogspot.com
The Mom said that her
children have never responded to her lavish love, despite the depth of
investment made in their lives. She felt hopeless, fearing that she might never
hear the words, “I love you” from her children.
For Mom, it is like
peering into a huge, dark crevice of a mountain, straining to see something. “I can’t see anything but darkness. My children cannot see my love.”
The child says in her
heart, “In the deepest crevice of my heart, I love you. You may never
see that love manifested, but it’s there. I am either too wounded or rebellious
to tell you.”
Now Mom, imagine yourself peering into the
mountain’s crevice. Inside is your sweet spot. The message of your sweet spot
is that your child loves you. This is the place from which you must parent.
This is your place of strength. I plead with you to never entertain thoughts
that your children don’t love you. Rather, focus on the truth that their love
may be deeply buried, but will someday surface.
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"I am happy to know why I was adopted.
It helps me learn to trust."
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Aim at taking away the personal pronoun "you" in your explanation
statement. You'll have to come up with your own version, but the way I would
say it is: "Your birth mother/father weren't able to parent ANY
baby/child at that time."
More than anything, you want your adopted child to feel like he belongs in the
family. However, your child may find holidays and family gatherings difficult.
If he is a teen or adult, he may prefer to be alone than to be with the family.
If she is a school-aged child, she may have melt-downs for no reason apparent
to you.
Why do many adoptees find family gatherings difficult? Because we feel like we
don't belong. We feel different.
When most adoptees hear the words, "We love you just like our own,"
we're hurt, then angry. We perceive your words as a put-down and that somehow
being different is a bad, shameful thing. You can help turn your child's
perception from yucky differences, to celebrating differences.
How? Suggestion: "We love all the
differences in our family."
Adoptee Heart Language:
"Being Called 'Special' Makes Me Feel Funny Inside"
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"I feel funny inside when Mom and Dad
call me 'special.'"
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The next good intention that can get lost in translation by the
adoptee heart is: "You are special." The intention is to help create
self-esteem in the adoptee.
But does it do what the words were intended?
Does it increase self-esteem, or is it perceived by the adoptee as subtle
pressure?
Remember, this is an emotional topic and there are still many layers to the
meaning of this statement.
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"I'll have to try hard and do good
so they like me."
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When I communicate this point about the heart language to parents, some of them
become livid! Do you feel that way?
You may be thinking, "Can't I ever tell my child she's special?"
Yes, you can. I'll give suggestions at the end of the week, but first, here's
how your adopted child might interpret "You are special."
Your child may think, "Its not okay to be me. I'll have to try really hard
so that I can be special."
Here's what adoptees really
need to hear: "We love you and always will....just as you are."
It's all about grace!
This reminds me of a story about someone going to church for the first time.
The person thinks he needs to get all spiffed up and cleaned up before going to
church.
The same applies in coming into God's family--no cleaning up required, nor
wanted. Just a contrite heart that is willing to receiving grace from God.
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"I wonder why you don't talk
about my birth parents."
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SILENCE! Dead silence from the adoptive parents about the adoptee's birth
parents.
Maybe there is negative birth history involved or maybe the parents are
unknown, as in many international adoptions?
Anyway, parents often feel nervous and just don't say anything.
How do many adoptees translate silence? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this
as we begin yet another week of wonderful discussions and learning.
If you are an adoptee, how does silence about your beginnings translate to your
heart? If you are a parent, do you feel uncomfortable with the subject of birth
parents and thus say nothing? Perhaps you don't know when or how to talk to
your child about adoption and so you just don't talk? If this is the case, let
me assure you that it's never too late!
Ever heard the saying "The air was so thick, you could cut it with a
knife?" What an apt description of the atmosphere of silence. Silence
about our birth families communicates to us that something is wrong. I find
myself, even as an adult, still wondering about my beginnings. Was your child
dropped off on an orphanage step? That may seem cruel but actually it is
loving, for otherwise the child likely would die. It is an act of love by the
Chinese birth mother. Or, was your child placed in foster care because Dad or
Mom were in jail or crack addicts?
You don't want your child to hurt any more than she/he has. Am I not right?
But not talking hurts.
How does, "Well, we're all
adopted in God's family" translate to adoptee/orphan/foster children,
teen, and adult hearts?
True, all those who have placed
their faith in Jesus' finished work on the Cross are adopted by Him into the
family of God.
However, equating human and spiritual adoption discounts the suffering the
adoptee has endured in losing his first family. Those words minimize our pain
and it says to us that losing our first family doesn't matter. Believe me, it
does matter.
If we phrase it another way, perhaps we could say, "Oh, I was and orphan,
too." I can see the hurt on the faces of orphans who have perhaps aged out
of the system or shared their crib with four other babies.
Really? You really were adopted? At what age? You really were and orphan? Where
was the orphanage you lived for before adoption?
Or, how about "Oh, I was a foster child, too."
Really? How many placements did you have to endure before you were adopted?
Can you hear my anger?
Here's a suggestion about what
to say instead: "I'd like to understand what it feels like to have been
adopted, orphaned, or placed in foster care."
Within the heart of every adopted child, teen, or adult is this
question to our adoptive parents: "What do you think about my birth
parents?"
Of course, we would never tell our parents. We are fiercely loyal.
What are we really saying?
"Do you love ALL of me? Do you love the parts of me that my birth parents
gave to me?"
Giving honor to the birth parents is the key that unlocks unconditional love
for the adopted child.
You might be saying, "You don't know my child's birth parents. They're
addicts. How and why would I ever say good things
about them?"
When most adoptees hear the
words, "We love you just like our own," we're hurt, then angry. We
perceive your words as a put-down and that somehow being different is a bad,
shameful thing. You can help turn your child's perception from yucky
differences, to celebrating differences.
How?
Suggestion: "We love all the differences in our family."
Notice the one important word? Our, not your.
